Soixante-dixième Jour – Écoutez, mon coeur.

Today (le 29e oct) I feel that i have a lot of thinking I need to do.  I need to figure out what my goals are and stop letting myself be led around like a pony on a leash in a corral.  There are some things I would like to do, and I think it is mostly just myself who is preventing me from trying these things.  Other people have told me “you’re not good enough” or “you can’t afford this” but that’s irrelevant isn’t it? I would think that my ability is only relevant to the panel who would listen to my audition, and the financial aspect is my own problem.  I know I am not a great flute player, but I deserve a chance to audition for something, at the very least.

I want to go play in the orchestra in Lucerne under Pierre Boulez.

I would like the chance to play with the National Youth Orchestra.

I want to be in a flute choir again.  And write music for flute choirs.

I desperately would like to play with a harpist at some point again in my life.

I want to talk Walter Thompson’s course on Sound painting in New York.

I would like to go to the Banff Arts Institute.

I need to get back into free improvisation.  I need to explore things with the flute are important to me, not just required of a good player.

Beyond music performance:

I need to voice my opinions more, especially when something is unacceptable.  I can’t sit around waiting for people, especially if they know I am waiting and I know they are taking advantage of me.

I should do more research.  Baroque and Medieval music has always been a very strong interest of mine.  There is so much I don’t know about it, and I think it’s really imperative that I learn more about it.

I need to keep learning French and German, regardless of what happens.  I haven’t lost that much of my Japanese, but I want to take it up again.  I want to learn as much Mandarin as I can.

I have to get out and go travel, by myself if necessary.

I need to get back into visual art again.  This is a huge strength of mine, that I spent a good 15-20 years devoted to almost entirely before I went to UVic, and I am not doing anything with it.

I should realize that I am very very short on money, but there are still lots of opportunities available to me, before I devote myself to a lifetime of arts management.  I need experience first.  I need drive, I need to be insulted, I need to be innovative as a modern artist and not conform to the norm. My strength is the fact that I am good at many different things: art, music performance, composition, dance, writing, improvising, researching.  For many people, they can go as far as they can with one thing, like playing the violin.  They are amazing at it.  Very few people will ever be that good.  I just dont feel I was ever cut out to be like that, and I have so many interests that to be so focused would wreck my ambition and kill my sense of creativity and happiness. I have to do many things, and I intend to do them all as well as I can.

I need to make statements, be forward, be productive.  I feel like I am in a box built by society that says, “First do this, then study that, get this degree, study with this teacher, and if you play your cards right and are lucky then ____ will happen.” That’s a load of horseshit. I think that with hard work and dedication you can make things happen for yourself, but you have to be dedicated to the long term goal, and you can’t become consumed by your wants and needs above meeting people along the way who are wonderful, valuable people. You have to keep your eyes focused on your goal, but also on what is going on around you.  Otherwise you will “pigeon-hole” yourself.  You will lose your perspective, and all you will be able to do is look back and say “I worked really hard.  I don’t remember any of it.”

I am sick of sitting around waiting for opportunities that society has impressed on me will happen “when the time is right, when you’ve achieved enough, when you’re professional enough.” I am sick of waiting around for people who lead me on to things, who tell lies. Maybe I am stupid for waiting, and maybe I am stupid for getting impatient, but I have never had this much forward motion before.

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